............so my best friend of five years and I are not really speaking and when we do it's strained for now. We'd been dating for just over 11 months, we wanted to hit a year. But because of me, we are no longer dating. So I am just....prolly not going to be doing much.

I want space, I wanted time alone, I was doing shit I didn't want to do, I was saying stuff I didn't think was true or the same as when he said it. In order to keep his happines and have him smile and laugh and feel the world was a place to want to live in, I was killing myself and shoving away my true happiness for myself. So I came to the conclusion we might be breaking up soon and yesterday we...um, I, called it qutis because he considered it over and I considered it over.

My other best friend, has been talking and comforting me, but he loves me the exact same way but is waaay more space giving, understanding, and backs down from me so that neither of us will be more hurt than we are and that my boyfriend...gah, ex-boyfriend, doesn't think "oh you dumped me because aaron was better than I was and you were waiting for that chance to happen" when it's NOT like that. Not one damn bit.

So....I feel elated, but extremely depressed. Brent is taking it VERY hard. His speech falters and doesn't just "flow" he hasn't eaten or drank anything in five days, and last time he tried he continuously threw it up.

So Corky is a very manipulating, horrible, bitch cuz this is what I do to people. In the end all are hurt by me. Though Aaron tells me I better stop saying it, so I do, but in my head it's still there faintly, causing unease when I love people being happy and I am not happy unless my friends are. They are my family they are my world. If I have done something to them that hurts, I want to make up for it. In this case I can't. I would be miserable being forced back into the relationship with Brent.

I just need to find my own happiness and for right now, it's in arms of comfort because aaron knows all and is updated on heart-wrenching pains of Brent. But right now that's all he is is the comfort zone as he has always been. We have settled on being friends, close friends, no more and no less. neither of us will run away and not return which is what we bot hahd decided but then would be devestated by the loss of (in my case) the last person to know everything about anything) and in his (the only one who ever truly cared to know even the dark side of him). T__________________T

And school starts back up monday. Please take my mind off these things. And so this is why I have been only barely coming back to deviantART/ I would love to be on it day after day chatting and drawing and writing with the happiness I once had. But now it's so hard when I also found out - My dad's been married for like a month or just under a month now. He secretly eloped with his girlfriend. Never knew.